On November 4, 2012 my life changed forever. I fell down a flight of stairs, I received quite the bump on my head. I learned a lot about strength, true friendship, love, and fear and pain and loss. It was the most tragic day of my life to date. I try to play it off that it does not hurt me, I try to be stronger than I really am, but a lot of people do not know what I lost that day.
I found out who my true friends were during this time in my life, and I vowed that I would work hard to strengthen my relationships, fix what was broken if I could, forgive those who have hurt me, and live each day to the fullest. As this Christmas Eve is upon us, I have spent a good portion of the day crying. Partly because the Baby that I was carrying that day is not in my arms, or my life, I lost her. I have been in mourning for her every day since then. And as much as I love my husband and our Dog, the loss I feel for that little life, hurts and haunts me every day. What if I did not take the dog out for her walk that morning, what if I was honest and told my husband I was not feeling right and that he needed to get up and take her out would she be here today?
Instead every day I look in the mirror and see the scar left on my face from that day. And I feel horrible. People are nice and say they cannot see it. But I know it is there and I cannot erase it and no amount of make up will take it away.
But through all this pain and loss I have to hold onto HOPE. It is all I have left. I always have to Polyanna out on people and see the silver lining, and bright side of things. Because if I allow myself to get into the dumps over this situation I become a total wreck. I get snappy with my husband, I put myself in my turtle shell and I close myself off.
Before that day in November, I was pretty blunt and straight forward. I showed people I cared by being to the point and I did not mince words. I hurt people and it was evident when I was in the hospital, those people did not bother to return phone calls or text messages. I realized that I had burned the bridge, but I also started to try and mend those relationships.
Earlier this year, one of those people I cared a great deal for was in the Hospital. I took her flowers and told her I was sorry and that I cared about her. I have not heard from her since. She was my best friend for 9 years. She is now my sister in law but you would never know it.
But as the Holiday's roll around the pain that I feel is just amplified by 1000%. My husbands family gets together every year, and we are not included. It is painful to hear about it, it makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot apologize anymore. But at this point I just do not want to know. Does that make me a bad person? If I am not invited to a family function, I do not want to know what happens, who is there, and what goes on. It may be something you want to share, but it is not something I can handle anymore. These people you are telling me about are the people I have been hurt by, and I do not want to allow them the opportunity to hurt me anymore. Especially on Christmas Day.
So this next year I have a challenge for myself. To not let the past control how I feel, to continue to work to forgive and move forward. And to make this smile on my face a true smile. And not a fake one for the whole world to see how I am not hurting, and to accept the scars in my life and let them be a strength to me, and not a reminder of pain and loss.
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