Overlook the Obvious

So in the last 14 years I have been constantly going to the doctor being tested trying to find answers to why I keep falling down:
Back in October 2006 is when this really started to scare me. I passed out at work, I was taken away in an ambulance.

They said I had a Syncope episode and was probably dehydrated and sent me home requesting I get checked for epilepsy.

So I went and got checked. NOTHING.

Then I returned to work, getting more and more frustrated, I forgot some things and how to do them. But I taught myself again and got the work done.

However I started getting Headaches every day, all the time. At first I could not function, but as I write this my head hurts, it is a mild pain, that, or I have just gotten used to it.

Passing out and fainting still 2009 I could not handle my job anymore. I went to find a less stressful job and go back to school. I was hopping from Job to Job unable to handle working at any of them. I could not physically and emotionally handle working.

I did accomplish finishing school and getting my Paralegal Certificate and Associates Degree, but if you asked me today to work at a law firm, I can tell you I would not remember how to do half the things I learned. 

I have just decided to stop wasting employers time and to keep my stress level down, I would stop working in an office environment. I finished real estate school so I can do something and take on only as much as I can handle.

But my daily life has become the following:
Get up with drool all over my pillow, and a headache from clinching my jaw all night. If I had a restful night sleep it means I did not wake up with charlie horses in my toes, or shins, and hands.  But I still have to lay in bed and flex my hands and feet until the pin and needles sensations stop. Then I have to sit at the edge of the bed for about three minutes until the dizziness stops and I can actually stand up. But do not get up to quickly or lean because you will still be dizzy.  The I go to the bathroom,  If I did not take fiber the day before, good luck. It hurts so bad to evacuate my body, and then come the hemorrhoids from trying. OUCH!

Now if I have to go out, I get everything done upstairs because going down the stairs takes FOREVER to me now.  So I straighten my hair, get dressed, do my makeup while David Sleeps.
I used to be able to take Lily our Dog for a long morning walk, but now it is so painful and cold. I have "frigid death hands and feet according to my husband"  So I take her to the side of the building she pees and then I immediately take her back inside. 

If I do not write down what I need to do I will forget to do it. I can remember and recall things from my youth. But sometimes I recall things from my dreams now and I think it really happened when it didn't.

I am so easily frustrated these days, if I did not have David to keep me level headed and calm I swear I would be a total basket case.  I feel bad for my husband because I have lost all interest in being physical. It hurts. I get charlie horses and I feel dizzy and lightheaded for days afterwards and I do not like that.   I am on high alert a lot of the time.  But to keep my self active I do brain teasers and games every day. I do yoga (very basic) and I can tell on the days where I do not sit and stretch I feel it.

But for now I have been writing for a while, and I need some rest. I am tired all the time lately, when I am not tired I am nauseated so my energy level is low. So I will finish tomorrow.

We can Change, but the world around us might not change.

On November 4, 2012 my life changed forever. I fell down a flight of stairs, I received quite the bump on my head.  I learned a lot about strength, true friendship, love, and fear and pain and loss.  It was the most tragic day of my life to date. I try to play it off that it does not hurt me, I try to be stronger than I really am, but a lot of people do not know what I lost that day.

I found out who my true friends were during this time in my life, and I vowed that I would work hard to strengthen my relationships, fix what was broken if I could, forgive those who have hurt me, and live each day to the fullest.  As this Christmas Eve is upon us, I have spent a good portion of the day crying.  Partly because the Baby that I was carrying that day is not in my arms, or my life, I lost her. I have been in mourning for her every day since then.  And as much as I love my husband and our Dog, the loss I feel for that little life, hurts and haunts me every day. What if I did not take the dog out for her walk that morning, what if I was honest and told my husband I was not feeling right and that he needed to get up and take her out would she be here today?

Instead every day I look in the mirror and see the scar left on my face from that day. And I feel horrible. People are nice and say they cannot see it. But I know it is there and I cannot erase it and no amount of make up will take it away. 

But through all this pain and loss I have to hold onto HOPE. It is all I have left. I always have to Polyanna out on people and see the silver lining, and bright side of things. Because if I allow myself to get into the dumps over this situation I become a total wreck. I get snappy with my husband, I put myself in my turtle shell and I close myself off.

Before that day in November, I was pretty blunt and straight forward. I showed people I cared by being to the point and I did not mince words. I hurt people and it was evident when I was in the hospital, those people did not bother to return phone calls or text messages.  I realized that I had burned the bridge, but I also started to try and mend those relationships.

Earlier this year, one of those people I cared a great deal for was in the Hospital. I took her flowers and told her I was sorry and that I cared about her. I have not heard from her since. She was my best friend for 9 years. She is now my sister in law but you would never know it.

But as the Holiday's roll around the pain that I feel is just amplified by 1000%. My husbands family gets together every year, and we are not included.  It is painful to hear about it, it makes me sick to my stomach.  I cannot apologize anymore. But at this point I just do not want to know. Does that make me a bad person?  If I am not invited to a family function, I do not want to know what happens, who is there, and what goes on.  It may be something you want to share, but it is not something I can handle anymore. These people you are telling me about are the people I have been hurt by, and I do not want to allow them the opportunity to hurt me anymore. Especially on Christmas Day.

So this next year I have a challenge for myself.  To not let the past control how I feel, to continue to work to forgive and move forward. And to make this smile on my face a true smile. And not a fake one for the whole world to see how I am not hurting, and to accept the scars in my life and let them be a strength to me, and not a reminder of pain and loss. 

Hour today Hour Tomorrow

I had a break down yesterday. I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions. School, Work, Dave, Lily, Family. I had to think about my priorities for a little bit and that was really hard. How do you put things first.

I mean my house is a mess, My marriage is strong but I feel like I am neglecting my husband more than I should and I feel guilty about that. School is DRAINING ME! The one thing that keeps me going is the challenge of my game the level up chore wars thing. Because I know that when I get on the treadmill and walk I can clear my head and think about things, and it puts everything into perspective.

I walk and I think about my husband, and how he loves me and I asked for the treadmill and so he bought it for me. I look at the photos in the room and think how lucky I am to have him in my life.

Then I look at the pile of laundry, and I imagine that it is not there. Then I look at the dust in the room and think, I gotta do something about this because I keep sneezing.

I am human, and I do love life. But at the same time I just want and need a break. Can I get one... Thank god for Yoga! That calms me down... that and sex with my Hubby!

How I am leveling up!

Level 1 is 10 points
2 = 15
3 = 22
4 = 33
5 = 50
6 = 75
7 = 113
8 = 170 I have reached this level
9 = 255 30 minutes to reach to this level! Whoo Go me.
10 = 383 4 30 minute sessions... GOAL TO REACH END OF WEEK April 9th.
11 = 575 6 35 Minute sessions Reach by the middle of the month
12 = 863 6 45 - 50 minute sessions Reach by End of Month! LEVEL UP MRS JONES

Motivation

Who would have thought that making working out a competition game would work for me. I am going up against some in shape people. And I am trying to compete with them. I think my small goal is to get to level 12 by the end of the month on the original game that Dave and I started. Because if I can do that personally then I will have achieved something I never thought possible. On top of that adding to my score in the game.

And the best part is, I am not even thinking about weight loss. I know it will be a welcome side effect to this game but the thought barley crosses my mind. What does cross my mind is who is gaining on me and what do I have to do to keep my edge, and if someone catches up to me what can I do to catch up?

But I am loving the way I feel. One week in and I can tell a difference in how I feel. *sip of water*

I love that this is helping motivate my sweet and handsome husband. He is walking more and getting in better shape with me and that feels good. I really have high hopes that this is something we can stick too. I mean heck if we can play City of Heroes for 2 years every night then I think Chore Wars is definitely doable.

I am off now to do some Yoga for Ab's to work on my core strength. Yoga makes it easier than anything else. Because I am not stressing and I feel good after-wards. I cannot say that after Windsor . Besides that I sold my DVD's on E Bay for $40.00 a couple of months ago.

So off I go... To earn more XP... Gosh I love this game.

Housework and More Housework

Today I have done nothing but housework. Vacuuming Stairs, Cleaning Bathrooms, and I mean really cleaning them. Scrubbing on my hands and knees... doing laundry. I wanted my Spring Flowers my Tulips that my Husband Sent me Just Because to have a nice home. So they needed a place to look pretty. So I cleaned our room. Dusted, I even got under the bed.

I have not had this much energy to do this much housework since we moved here. Now our house smells good and looks good and pretty.

So what else did I do today... I baked a cake. Funfetti! For Easter.

And then made Hawaiian Haystacks for dinner, Chopping up fresh Veggies, and was so good. Healthy and good.

The only thing that sucks about today is that I did not get on the treadmill but I have been running up and down the stairs all day. And I did not get restful sleep last night because I kept having bad dreams.

Wow the Power of Gaming

I cannot believe the power of playing a game. This morning for the first time in years I did a Video tape exersise. Ok maybe not YEARS but it has been a long time.
So this morning I got up and did, Cardio Blast with Tamiliee Webb (Buns of Steel Girl) and I was working out hard, breathing hard but feeling good.

And man oh man was I ripe! I stunk! But I rocked it! I finished the work out and felt so good that I did the Candlelight Energizing Yoga 10 minute wake up routine. I was already awake after my workout but this felt good to streach out. And I am getting more flexible because I am almost to the floor with my heals during downward facing dog pose.


More people have joined the game and it is exciting. Between Jessica and Jill I have my competition set up for me. Jill is doing a 5 K. So I have to get up to that fitness level.

And I took the stairs again today.... Not as hard as yesterday I almost ran up them!